Best Gambling Jokes
Having a great sense of humour is essential when you live life under pressure. Gamblers wear the serious poker face during tournaments, but behind the mask, most of them are great to be around. We collected casino stories, gambling jokes, and some card jokes from the playrooms. Some of them are based on true stories, while others are completely fictional. Either way, the stories are hilarious.
Our collection of funny jokes about gambling comes from casinos and gambling rooms from all over the world. We made this list with the intention of fun and entertainment. No offence meant – it is all just for laughs. As always, any resemblance with real events and people is unintentional.
When I go to casinos, the most ridiculous sign I see is the one that says: 'If you have a gambling problem, call 1-800-GAMBLER.' I thought about it for a moment and dialed the number. When they answered I said, 'I have an ace and a six. The dealer has a seven. Weather we’re winning or losing, we all have some anecdotes or funny gambling stories to share. This time around, we’ve decided to look for the most hilarious gambling jokes and casino puns, so these are the best gambling anecdotes that we’ve come across. Keyword: Gambling. One of the worst things that can happen to you in life is to win a bet on a horse at an early age. American billiards champion & hustler. Activities Sports Betting Gambling Horse races. My idea of gambling was walking through Central Park, whistling show tunes. The Blonde Who Won a Motorhome. One day, a blonde lady walked into a restaurant to buy a cup of. Stock Market: A popular game of chance in which moneyed speculators gamble with the nation’s economy, the object being to amass as much unearned income as possible before one’s fellow gamblers withdraw from the game and precipitate a nationwide depression.
Jokes About Gambling are Everywhere
1. Card Jokes & One-Liners
Our listing starts with a few clever one-liners, card jokes, and some funny quotes from the gambling humor world. The next lines hold wisdom and gambling experience synthesised in a few sentences. Some are so roasty and perfectly awkward that they are worthy to of being called dad jokes.
- Two gamblers walk out of a casino. One of them is completely naked and the other one has only his underwear. The naked one says: “That’s why I respect you – you know when to quit.”
- Nobody is always a winner, and anybody who say he is, is either a liar or doesn’t play poker.
- I couldn’t hit a river if I fell out of the boat.
- I am going to open an international casino in the Mariana Trench. – Then I can be the world’s biggest pit boss.
- I asked a caveman if he wants to play poker with me. He said, “Deal, me in!”
- Money isn’t everything … unless you’re playing in a rebuy tournament
- Poker in the wild west. The dealer jumps and points a gun at the players: “I hate cheeters! Why do you have cards I have not dealt yet?”
- If there weren’t luck involved, I would win every time.
- Poker has the only river in the world you can drown in more than once.
- There’s a reason you lie in poker… you can’t always be the best player at the table.
2. Gambling Roasting & Dark Humour
Dark humour jokes have some of the most hilarious casino jokes you could hear if you have the stomach for them. We sifted through the hundreds of gambling dark humour stories to find the best ones. The result is a shortlist of polished and carefully hand-picked jokes about gamblers. If you find yourself easily offended, please, skip to the next section. If not, well, enjoy!
Four friends are playing cards. One of them brought his kid to the game. The child is bored and starts walking around, looking at the players’ cards. Last cards the child looked at are the father’s cards.
Child: Dad, is it good to have four Aces?
Dad: Yes, son.
The rest of the players fold, and the father collects the pot.
Child: Too bad you didn’t have them.
***
“Superman, Baba Yaga, the Smart cop, and the Stupid cop are playing cards. There was a large pile of money on the table when the lights went out. When they switched on the lights, the money is gone.
Question: Who stole the money?
Answer: The Stupid cop, the rest are fictional characters.”
***
God is good. Not to you, though.
***
Yesterday I played poker with a deck of Tarot Cards. I got a full house, and four people died.
***
The invisible man, the werewolf, and Dracula played poker. They tried to get the mummy to play, but he had no skin in the game. The invisible man tried to bluff, but the rest saw right through him. Dracula ended up bleeding them dry, leaving the werewolf howling mad.
***
A couple of cows were smoking joint and playing cards… the steaks were pretty high.
***
“Two men are celebrating a card winning. One of them asks:
“I have always wondered how come you never have luck in horse racing bets, but you always win with cards.”
“Because I can’t hide a horse up my sleeve.”
***
A man joins Gamblers Anonymous. He’s given three-to-one odds he won’t make it.
***
I opened the door and saw my wife was angry. She screamed at me:
“You gambled and lost the rent again!”
Me: “The aliens took it!”
***
A priest, a rabbi, and a Buddhist monk get arrested for illegal gambling. They get in front of the judge. He starts questioning the priest first:
“Did you play poker yesterday?”
The priest mumbles a quick lord forgive me and answered “No.”
The judge turns to the rabbi and asks him:
“Did you play poker yesterday?”
The rabbi crosses his fingers behind his back and answers a clear “No”.
Finally, the judge turns to the Buddhist monk and tells him:
“So, you are a Buddhist monk, I know for a fact that you are absolutely not allowed to lie to me. Did you play poker yesterday?”
The monk looks at the priest, then at the rabbi. He smiles at the judge and asks
“How could I possibly play poker all by myself?”
3. Gambling Stories
Most of the gambling jokes are based on real events. The following real gambling stories have clever one-liners and interesting life lessons. Sometimes gambling humor proves that when Lady Luck taps you on the shoulder, you should play like it is the last thing you will ever do.
- An old gambler is teaching his son to play cards: “First, never play cards. Second, never choose spades as a trump card.”
- A grandma won 154 times playing craps. It was Patricia Demauro’s second time playing craps. She walked in the casino, picked the orange dice, and rolled it. In four and a half hours, she had broken two world records. The first for most successive dice rolls without having a “seven out”, and the second for longest craps roll. The exact amount of the winning was never announced.
- “A Gambler is nothing but a man who makes his living out of false hope.” William Bolitho
- It is a gambling problem only if you are losing.
- I ordered a bunch of second-hand card decks from a casino a month ago. I haven’t received any. When I asked the casino for an update, they said that they are still dealing with it.
- “The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.” – Kin Hubbard
- My wife challenged me to a game of strip poker, but then I realised she just wanted to do the laundry. So, I folded.
- “Show me a gambler, and I’ll show you a loser.” Mario Puzo
- I walked into a casino and walked out at the end of the night rich! It’s great being the owner.
- All major casinos are complaining about how much money they have lost. – Now they know how you feel.
4. Card Memes & Funny Pictures
This section is dedicated to card memes based on casino jokes and card jokes and puns. Online there are hundreds of pictures and comics based on jokes about gambling. We chose six of the many and listed them below. We do not hold the rights over the images or the depicted gambling humor. They are free for commercial use, and you can even create your own meme through a free online Meme Maker.
- “Can’t get gambling addiction when you got no money to gamble.”
- “Poker is like sex: everyone thinks they’re the best, but most people don’t have a clue what they’re doing. “
- “What is the difference between praying in a church and praying in a casino? In a casino you really mean it! That’s how the biggest wins are made.”
- “One does not simply pull four Aces and a King.”
- “Poker face. Get it ready before you stash the Aces up your sleeve.”
5. Q&A Type Gambling Jokes
Being able to communicate is essential. Being able to ask the correct questions can save you’re your life. Combine this with real events in casinos, and you will get incredible gambling jokes. The following question-answer one-liners can tell a whole story in a couple of sentences. Those are the last hilarious casino jokes we have prepared for you but don’t forget to read our FAQ section and get even more answers to often asked questions about card jokes, and gambling humor.
- How do you get 80 nice old ladies to curse at the same time? – Yell “Bingo!“
- Why didn’t the casino hire the T-rex? – They didn’t want to hire a small arms dealer.
- Why are dogs bad poker players? – They wag their tails when getting good cards.
- How do you go out of a casino as a millionaire? – You go in as a billionaire.
- How I lost 100 pounds in one day? – Had a bad day at the casino.
- Why was the dietitian kicked out of the casino? – He was caught counting carbs.
- Did you hear about the blonde who brought a bag of frozen French fries to a poker game? – Someone told her to bring her own chips.
- How can you always break even at the casino? – Play the change machine.
- What’s a poker dealer’s favourite song? “Everyday I’m shuffling“.
- I bet you I could stop gambling.
Gambling and Card Jokes FAQ
Gambling and card jokes appeared with the first gambling games. Ever since the start, casino employees, players, and observers have witnessed curious and hilarious situations that worth sharing. At the end of our article, we will answer some interesting questions about gambling puns and card jokes.
🃏 What do you mean by gambling and card jokes?
They are jokes about gambling with players, casino employees, and gambling games. Some of the puns are very old, while other events happened not so long ago. We have shared some gambling stories and anecdotes. Keep in mind that some stories are made up and do not reflect real events or people. It is all for laughs, no harm done.
🤡 Who creates gambling and card jokes?
In one word – life. The world of gambling involves thousands of players and even more employees of the gaming and gambling rooms. The interaction of all those people creates situations that give birth to gambling humor clever one-liners. Some witty people even create stories fairy-tale and fictional characters to make more people laugh.
🙊 Are there offensive gambling and card jokes?
Gambling jokes are created by funny interactions or weird events that leave everyone laughing. One of the winning practices in many card games (disapproved by many) is to defeat your opponent by bringing down their self-esteem. Their dark sense of humour and quick thought can create memorable roasts and.
🙃 Why are there so many memes of gambling and card jokes?
People love casino jokes and stories, but they rarely have time to read long texts. And as we know, a picture tells a thousand words. Smart people put two and two together and began creating gambling cartoons, poker, and card joke memes. Here are few of the gambling memes you can find online.
🤣 Do gamblers like gambling and card jokes?
Judging by the famous players' card jokes, quotes and puns - yes. It is hard to be ready to play and lose an amount that can buy a Ferrari and not be able to laugh about it. Players spend hours on end together. Telling gambling or card jokes is essential to keep the good mood during the game.
The topics for this week’s puns and one liners is gambling jokes. I should add that I’m not much of a gambler; the biggest wagers I seem to make are playing 2p machines at seaside resorts, so I am far from an expert in the topic. As normal, these come with no guarantee of hilarity or originality…
I make a bet with a local farmer each year as to which lamb will jump highest. I like a gambol.
Got asked to leave the casino the other night. They said I had a chip on my shoulder.
How do you become a millionaire through gambling? Start as a billionaire.
I’m going to an Abba themed poker night. The winner takes it all.
Lost money betting with with one of the big cats at the zoo. Think he was a cheetah.
Did well at strip poker the other night. I played my socks off.
I gambled on a giraffe race the other day. Mine came second. Lost by a neck. It was nowhere near.
I took a gamble and bought a small boat without seeing it first. It was a punt.
I used to love eating chips until I got barred from the casino.
I bet on a horse at 10-1. It didn’t come in until half past three.
Walking down the road earlier and I tripped over a sign from the local betting shop. What are the odds on that?
A friend of mine keeps insisting on skipping through flower meadows. I think he has a gamboling problem.
Why are large maps rubbish at playing poker? They always fold.
Last week’s snooker jokes are here.
Best Man Speech Gambling Jokes
If you like these gambling jokes, have a look here for an alphabetical list of joke topics.
Gambling Humor
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